


I'll Hide You

by Kissa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Protective Jace Wayland, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27314398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/pseuds/Kissa
Summary: Alec and Jace learn to patch each other up from really early on and in time realise they have become so inextricable the rest of the world can't ever hope to get between them.Title inspired by the song "Hide U" by Kosheen, which is a very "parabatai-themed" song in my book.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 15
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts).



> Fic based on the following bunnies given to me for adoption by [Nadja_Lee](/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee)  
> "So given your focus on Jace (whereas mine is on Alec) I have two plotbunnies I want to try and offer you:  
> 1\. Your take on what Jace would do when he finds out Alec's parents beat him when he makes mistakes and then uses runes on him to heal him which is why it takes Jace a while to notice it, explaining why Alec stutter (in season 1) and why Alec is so keen to always obey orders which Jace otherwise teases him about  
> 2\. Jace's reaction to seeing Alec dealing with his pain of his parent's rejection and disappointment in him by hurting himself with overtraining, not healing injuries etc (canon series selfharm only or also other types of selfharm). As someone who was taught to always be strong such behaviour must seem odd to Jace."

Alec hated surprises. He hated them because he’d never had a single good one sprung on him.  
  
Which was why he nearly jumped out of his skin when the new boy walked in on his training.  
  
And he missed his mark, shamefully so, the arrow embedding itself in a floral arrangement on the wall, about two meters past the target.  
  
“You need to see yourself hit the mark before you release the arrow.” The boy said.  
  
“Oh not you too! I get enough shit from my parents.” Alec replied, lowering his bow.  
  
“Hey, we’re on the same side. May I?” The new boy asked for the bow and an arrow.  
  
“I’m Alec. Have you used one of those before?”  
  
“No. I’m Jace,” the blond boy said and assumed the proper stance, nocked the arrow and released it without thinking.  
  
Annoyingly (for Alec), it hit the mark dead center.  
  
Jace then took one of the daggers laid out on the table behind them and threw it at the mark, splitting the arrow down the middle and hitting the mark with the blade as well.  
  
“You have to think you’re the best and that everything is going your way. And then, it will.” He said. “Wanna show me around, Alec?”  
  
Alec knew there was a distance from thinking to being and doing, but Jace seemed to absolutely ignore that and it was working pretty well for him so far. Maybe it was time to try and take Jace’s advice - see what that got him.  
  
***  
  
In time, he saw that Jace was indeed a brilliant warrior. Possibly the best Shadowhunter of their generation. There was nothing he couldn’t do; no martial art he couldn’t master in the shortest of times; no weapon he couldn’t wield with deadly accuracy.  
  
But Jace also had a… feral side. One that was perhaps the result of his father having kept him isolated from the world and other people in it.  
  
Jace was also good at pickpocketing, at breaking and entering and at sneaking in and out of places unseen and unheard. He rarely, if at all, spared a thought for others.  
  
But he often couldn’t tailor his responses to the situations he was presented with.  
  
Like the time when another boy came to where he and Alec were sitting in the dining room, interrupting their meal to bully them both - Alec for being meek and shy, and Jace for not being from a good family.  
  
Jace had looked him straight in the eye and had pinned the boy’s hand to the table with the blunt butter knife, which he drove right through the palm. And then twisted.  
  
Alec was shocked. Surely the boy could have been sent away with a mere clapback.  
  
“What? If I talk back at him, he’ll think I welcome the bullying and he’ll come back for further rounds. Like this, everyone will know not to mess with us. He can use an iratze on his hand. I won’t mind if he stays afraid and keeps his distance.”  
  
Alec’s shock multiplied when both his parents praised Jace for his disproportionate response.  
  
He was expected to take things as they came, not make waves, maybe turn the other cheek. His parents hated hearing that he had gotten into even the smallest trouble, although these things usually sought him out.  
  
And now Jace was being praised for doing exactly what he would have been punished with a beating for doing?  
  
Still, Alec found himself resenting his parents a bit for not being consistent in their discipline, and hating himself loads for never knowing how to stand up for himself in a way that made his parents proud. But he couldn’t resent Jace. One, because he liked Jace and admired his self-assuredness, and two, because it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t been raised as strictly as Alec.  
  
But that only makes him feel more alone himself. He’s the only one getting punished for even the slightest misstep, perceived or real. And even though he tells himself over and over it’s because he deserves it for not being good enough, there’s a small voice inside him that protests, because it knows it’s unfair.

***

His parents are impossible and sometimes contradict themselves in their orders. But Alec still tries his best to do exactly as he is told. Sometimes it costs him all his energy to try and predict their every contradictory request.  
  
Right now, he’s trying to find a position in which the open gashes on his back don’t sting so much so he can maybe get some sleep. He got punished again and his parents said no runes until the morning, so the pain will remind him of the lesson he should take away from all this.  
  
His father beat him with his belt again, with the buckle end this time. Alec is sure he’s lost chunks of skin on his back and thighs, but hopefully the iratzes he will get in the morning will take care of that too. 

The pain is really hard to take quietly. The places where skin is missing are burning and pulsing in a really bad way and Alec can’t hold back from whimpering, and soon tears come too. He hates himself fully now, for being so weak, which just proves to him that his parents are right and he is useless.  
  
His door creaks open at some point and Jace is standing in the doorway, considering something for a moment before walking in and closing the door behind him.  
  
“Wow, that’s some work he did on you. Coward.” Jace mutters. “Don’t move. Let me help.”  
  
“No! I’m not allowed to treat this until the morning.” Alec protests. “Why are you helping me? I’m useless. I got what I deserved.”  
  
“Alec, your parents are abusive cowards. You and I know very well that all Shadowhunters beat the shit out of their kids to shape them up. But not to the point of mutilating them. Look at this… fuck. I’m going to get something, don’t move.” 

Jace goes to his room and retrieves a salve Hodge gave him for the cuts and nicks that iratzes don’t heal or only heal partially. It had a numbing chemical in it that will help with the pain. 

“Why are you helping me? You’ll get into trouble.” Alec asks, turning his head to watch Jace sit on his bed near him and start to spread the cream on all his wounds, not missing a single one.  
  
“Alec, you seem to value family and order a lot. Normally, not bad. But you don’t live in a normal family. Our mother is a narcissist. Our father is her enabler. And you really have to know that in any group where one person cares about power, it makes everyone else have to think of power. And children usually have the least. We’re expected to follow orders without question, even if they’re dumb.”  
  
“Not everyone can grow up feral on a cute house in the woods.” Alec bites back. Jace is right, but it hurts to hear those words.  
  
“You know that’s not how it was, but I’ll let it slide this time.” Jace says. “I could hurt you, you know. And it wouldn’t be noticeable on the outside. You’d probably thank me for it, too. But I don’t think you deserve any of this, so I’m going to help you instead.”  
  
“I don’t need your pity, Jace. It’s insulting.” Alec says through clenched teeth.  
  
“It’s not pity, it’s sympathy. You’ll learn the difference.” Jace says. “So listen up. Our mother is the narcissist, we already established that. Before I showed up, Izzy was the Golden Child, and you were the Forgotten Child. Now I’m the Golden Child, Izzy is the Forgotten Child and you’ve been demoted to Scapegoat Child. Every time one of us makes a mistake, you get the blame and the punishment. No matter what you do, it’s always wrong. And no matter what I do, it’s always right.”  
  
“Way to rub it in, asshole. This is so unnecessary.”  
  
“Wait. I’m not saying this to hurt you. I just want you to realise something.”  
  
“And what is that big realisation I am not coming to on my own? Let’s hear the great Jace Wayland enlighten us.”  
  
“If only you had this much bite with your parents too.” Jace says.”I suggest you begin growing a spine soon, and that you start shining it with our father. He will be easiest to erode, and mother will no longer feel so legitimate in her treatment of you if he is no longer there to tell her how good and fair she is.”  
  
“I’m not going to hit my father.” Alec says.  
  
“I’m not saying you should. Just stand up to him. Next time he calls you to his office to beat you up, tell him you’re not going because you don’t fancy being in pain for two days. He already feels like beating you is too cruel.”  
  
“Then why does he do it?”  
  
“Because our father is a doormat and he is afraid of our mother. He will do anything to have peace from her. And that includes beating you bloody.” Jace explains. “Alec, you need to start saying no and standing up to them. You get punished either way! Let them know you are not happy with being the Scapegoat anymore.”  
  
“But then they won’t love me. And family is everything.”  
  
“Alec, you don’t have a family. You have superiors. They are using your own principles against you. Family is not this sacred, immovable thing.”  
  
“Easy for you to say, you only had your father who trained you super well and now he’s dead, you got adopted.”  
  
“Look, my father made me tame a falcon and then snapped its neck right before me to teach me that getting attached leads to suffering. But it also taught me that he was a sadist who loved causing useless pain. On the day he killed my falcon, he lost every trace of respect and loyalty I carried for him. From then on I did not care what happened to him.”  
  
Alec turns a bit to look at Jace, who just shared something very private from his life before he joined them in the New York Institute. Jace never talks about his years prior to coming to live with them and now Alec begins to see why. 

“Anyway my point is, you have to reach for a thought that feels good and gives you power. You can’t expect your power to come from others. Certainly not your parents. I think the only way our mother will ever see how cruelly she treated you is if she herself ever falls from the good graces of the Clave.”  
  
“That won’t happen,” Alec says, feeling happy that his mother is safe from such a sad fate. But then he realises that, if being in his position is a sad fate for her, then it must be equally sad for him to be in it too. Only, thinking about it hurts, so he doesn’t.  
  
Jace’s fingers on his back are so gentle, and this boy who is the greatest at breaking, maiming and killing is also the best at soothing Alec’s pain. With their talking, Hodge’s salve and Jace’s downright tender butterfly touches, he forgets the sting of his wounds and the tears on his heart.  
  
Jace even goes to him, kneeling on the floor near the bed where Alec has his head on his stacked hands, and uses the front of his soft shirt to dry Alec’s tears. 

“What’s yours?” Alec then asks, noticing how catching a glimpse of Jace’s abs while his t-shirt is lifted feels so nice, like he was just let in on an awesome secret and how it’s different from when Jace is shirtless and sweaty on the mat in the gym.  
  
“My what?” Jace asks, unusually distracted, busying himself longer than necessary with drying Alec’s tears.  
  
“Your thought that feels good and gives you power.” Alec asks, feeling shy. It feels like too much, like he is treading on Jace’s heart of hearts with boots on.  
  
Jace takes a deep breath and ponders whether he should share it with Alec or not, but the mere hesitation makes him want to slap himself. Of course Alec deserves to hear those words and reap their benefits. Alec doing better doesn’t threaten him in any way.  
  
“ _I am my own mother, I am my own father and I birth myself in the likeness of angels._ ” He says, softly, like he’s sharing a dangerous secret.  
  
Alec feels overcome with the need to hug Jace, uncaring of his own wounds.  
  
He can sort of see how Jace takes power from that, but it’s also a very lonely thought to have. He reaches over to Jace and caresses the side of his face gently.  
  
“It is very powerful. But now you do have a family. Me and Izzy and even baby Max. And our mother and father love you, you’re their favourite.”  
  
“You don’t get it, Alec. If I weren’t bringing them recognition and praise, they’d forget me in a heartbeat. I was just cargo on a boat until our father heard the name Wayland. Then suddenly I was a child and he wanted to bring me home with him.”  
  
“Jace, you are right about many things… but even though many people are selfish and don’t see past their own wants and needs, there are friends out there too.”  
  
The boys didn’t notice how their talking made the time pass and eventually Jace lay down on the bed next to Alec, also on his belly, telling him some of the wild things his father had made him memorize about greater demons.  
  
Soon Robert came to tell Alec he was allowed to heal his wounds, but he stopped in the doorframe, watching the boys talk in their own private bubble, separated from the world.  
  
A part of him he had thought long dead twitched awake to remind him of a time when he and Jace’s father were just as inseparable - a time when the world didn’t seem so cutthroat and oppressive. A time he had willingly put behind himself. Every day he remained married with Maryse was a punishment for even once considering to spite the Clave and their rules and choose Michael over the war and the iron-fist rule of the Shadow World.  
  
It was too late for him, but maybe it was not too late for Alec. He could see Alec was stronger and more focused since Jace had come into their family. Maybe Alec would make better choices than him and not end up confined to a living hell.  
  
***

Alec doesn’t like how he’s feeling at the moment. He can tell most of it is coming from Jace and he is still getting used to what it feels like to share a soul with another person.  
  
It’s more intimate than anything else he has lived. And, because he is in love with Jace, having him so close and as a part of him is exhilarating.  
  
Like all good things in his life, Alec knows this love he harbours for Jace will never lead to anything tangible for him. The Clave made it clear that parabatai being in romantic relationships is forbidden and dangerous, and it’s simply not allowed for Shadowhunters to date other Shadowhunters of the same sex. Marriage exists to form alliances and to breed new Nephilim and it’s more a duty than a choice. 

He has bigger problems than feeling sorry for himself right now.  
  
Izzy is at her Seelie boyfriend’s house and Jace went out with a mundane girl. Alec, as usual, is staying in and spending quality time in the library. It’s something he picked up from Jace.  
  
This is how, together, they cured Alec’s stuttering. As a teenager, Maryse used to punish him so often for stuttering, and telling him he was a disgrace to the Lightwood name for not even being able to speak properly. And that only made the stuttering worse.  
  
But Jace watched Alec and wrote down when he stuttered, how much and in what situation. What he was doing when it started, what he was talking about.  
  
And he realised that his stutter only happened when he spoke to figures of authority or people who challenged him. That was a hard to rewire circuit in his brain, but they managed, they almost got rid of it completely, and when it does happen, Alec knows to curse under his breath. It’s like a slap to the face, throws him out of the loop just long enough for him to catch himself and regain control.  
  
He also helped Jace in ways that are less measurable and less obvious, but they are there and Alec has no idea how much of a difference his very presence in Jace’s life made.  
  
To begin with, he taught Jace that not all touches have to hurt. And that some things are small and delicate not to be easily killed, but protected. He taught Jace, like that night after his beating, that showing love is only returned as pain if someone chooses for it to be so.  
  
Jace is no longer feral and always in attack mode, like he was when he first joined their family.  
He is still very guarded and a completely different person with their parents, but with Alec and Izzy, he is parabatai and brother and they feel his love, resilient and genuine. Especially since he’s seen that they are not as easily hurt and both Alec and Izzy saved his life on hunts. In a way, they are safe to love, which is step one. Step two was Jace allowing himself to love. Once he did that, his nightly screams and his nightmares also stopped. But Jace still lets himself into Alec’s room on some nights and Alec doesn’t intend to object. 

Growing up together with Jace, Alec also fell in love. At first he thought it was loyalty; then familiarity, then ease, then the intimacy of the parabatai bond. But as he peeled away all the layers of what he feels, there was always that one layer that says, “Jace is the part of me I find effortless to love.” 

It’s not like Alec doesn’t know that being gay simply isn’t an option in their world; he does know. And he resigned himself long ago to the fact that he would never feel the things his heart screams for. Perhaps he could go out to mundane clubs, like Jace does, and let strangers touch him and do whatever it is people do for the fleeting illusion of closeness and not being alone. But that’s not what he wants and that settles the topic for him.  
  
He hears Jace return home, and he knows it’s Jace because he recognises the way he slams the door shut, the cadence of his footsteps on the squeaky floors.  
  
Jace goes straight for his room upstairs and showers.  
  
In the empty, quiet of the Institute at that late hour, Alec can hear the shower running, and running. And running. It worries him so he goes to check.  
He finds Jace rubbing at his already reddened skin, applying layer after layer of shower gel and not stopping.  
  
And being so close to his parabatai he can also sense his distress.  
  
So he goes to help, waiting until Jace rinsed himself off before switching the water off and wrapping Jace in a big towel.  
  
“Care to tell me what this is all about? I could feel something was not okay from the library.”  
  
“It’s stupid. I’m stupid. I’ll get over it.” Jace says, and looks up at Alec.  
  
But Alec can see the tear trails on Jace’s face, very distinct from the steam of the shower and the sheen of sweat from the heat.  
  
“Please tell me. Or it will eat at you for longer than you want it to. Isn’t that what you always tell me?”  
  
He easily lifts Jace and carries him to his bed, placing him down gently.  
  
“Now I’m listening.”  
  
“Well, you asked for it.” Jace says, sighing. “Alright, here goes. I had sex.”  
  
“Did you get hurt? Did they… force you?” Alec asks. 

“No, and no. I just… wasn’t impressed. I felt good for a little while, and then really gross. I didn’t know how to get out of there faster.”  
  
“Maybe it’ll be better with another girl.” Alec says, hearing his heart shatter in a million pieces inside him. But he still tries to be supportive, like a good parabatai.  
  
“No, the girl was fine. I just… it’s too much effort for too little payoff. Like I could be friends with her. I could go to her house with a pizza and snuggle with her on the couch while we watch Alien:Resurrection. But as soon as my fly is open, my soul leaves my body. I feel like I was lied to. I was expecting it to be nice. At least comparable to when you and I spar. But I’ve felt more euphoric after that one time we ate Parmesan cubes directly from the packaging. And, now I feel icky. Like I let a stranger touch me in places no one gets to touch me… for nothing.” 

“I’m sure things will work out fine. Look at our parents. They are still in love and had three children. That means they must have had sex at least three times.”  
  
“Our parents don’t have sex.” Jace says dryly.  
  
“And how would you know?”  
  
“Because I’ve replaced the lube in mother’s bottle with hand sanitizer gel years ago and no one has caught on.”  
  
“Jace!!!”  
  
“I was just testing a theory. And, alright, trying to avenge that one time when our mother questioned and revoked your decision in front of the whole Institute.”  
  
“I’m going to go fix that. If they do find out…”  
  
“Alec, listen to me. If you do that, you will get caught in the act of switching the bottles and they will think you were trying to plant the sanitizer gel. You will get punished SO HARD. Let me do it, if it puts you more at ease.”  
  
“How long has it been there?”  
  
“Since my seventeenth birthday.”  
  
“Oh wow, I think it’s safe to say that bottle won’t get any further use, the product would have expired by now. But please, Jace, replace the lube. Sometimes I think you want to watch me get beaten up by our father.”  
  
*** 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has to deal with the consequences of his choices as a leader, and Jace makes a much needed course-correction.

Jace keeps going out with girls, but usually he comes back in the wee hours of the morning and then Alec knows he has to scoot over for a freshly showered Jace to climb into bed near him.  
  
There was a recent incident where Jace was out again, to a club with several Seelies and it was only thanks to Alec’s vigilant mother hen nature that the evening didn’t end tragically for Jace.

There were also Vampires at the club, vampires who hated Shadowhunters and Jace in particular. And because they couldn’t hope to take Jace down while he was sober, they slipped him drugs in his drink.  
  
Alec was preparing a mission for the next day back at the Institute when he realised he could no longer feel Jace. In a heartbeat, he was out the gate, fully armed and headed straight for the club.  
  
It all ended in a very messy fight, the club security got involved, some mundanes got bitten by vampires and Alec had no choice but to kill the ones who had started it all, while also dragging a heavily drugged Jace out to safety.  
  
Back at the Institute, he brought Jace to his own room and undressed him down to his underwear, checking for injuries.  
  
“Hey, there you are. You with me?” Alec asked gently, seeing Jace had opened his eyes and was looking around.  
  
“Alec? How come you’re at the club?” 

“We’re no longer at the club, Jace. We’re at the Institute. You were drugged.”  
  
“That explains the disco lights and the soft music, then.”  
  
“I’m going to get you some water and a bucket.”  
  
Once Alec went to fetch the stuff, Jace dragged himself to the bathroom and drank as much warm water from the tap as he could before standing on his hands against the wall and then sticking his fingers down his throat to make himself throw up.  
  
He managed to get rid of almost everything he had ingested that night, minus the parts of the drug that had already gotten into his bloodstream.  
  
Alec found him curled up in the fetal position on the cold tiles of the bathroom and quickly rushed to help him up.  
  
“Would you like a shower?” Alec asked, his caring nature taking over completely. He hated seeing Jace so affected by others’ ill intentions. If he had decided to stay in and ignore his bad feeling, instead thinking that maybe Jace got too drunk, passing out and that was why he wasn’t feeling him in the bond, Jace would have suffered immensely at the hands of those vampires and Alec shuddered, thinking of the worst scenarios. 

Jace nodded, but also pointed to Alec’s toothbrush on the little shelf over the sink.  
  
“Oh, alright, yeah, I’ll get you one right away.” Alec said and opened one of the spares he kept in the bathroom cabinet, putting toothpaste on it and offering it to Jace.  
  
Jace brushed his teeth slowly while Alec slid his underwear off and began to wash him. At some point, it became obvious he was going to get his own clothes sopping wet, so he undressed too and finished giving Jace his shower, even taking the time to wash his hair and massage his scalp to help him relax further so he could sleep.  
  
After the shower, he got big towels and dried both Jace and himself, seeing that when he was done, Jace had already burrowed into the sheets, looking for warmth. Alec put on some briefs and a t-shirt before joining Jace under the covers. Once he put out the light, he felt Jace move closer and settle against his side, with his head on Alec’s chest.  
  
Alec stayed awake a while longer, watching Jace sleep, worrying about unpredicted effects from the drugs, but Jace slept peacefully, slinging an arm and a leg over Alec and using one of his parabatai’s pecs as a pillow.  
  
It was an uncomfortable position to be in for the whole night, but Alec didn’t mind. He fell asleep too, eventually, lulled by a very cozy fantasy of him and Jace being together and getting to sleep this closely every night.  
  
It only hurt that much more when he woke up to see Jace gone.  
  
He was then called to his office. Maryse and Robert wanted to see him right away, so he didn’t have time to do all the steps of his morning routine. He just dressed hastily, brushed his teeth and splashed some cold water on his face, then went downstairs.  
  
“Do you really think starting a war with the Downworld is what we need now?” Maryse asked him as soon as he was in through the door.  
  
“A war? Who’s starting a war?”  
  
“Last night you murdered three vampires at a club. There were mundanes present, too, that were bitten. What were you even doing in a club, armed to the teeth?”  
  
“I think you already know, mother. Would you have preferred I let them rape Jace?” 

“It’s your responsibility to maintain the Accords! And to make sure the Downworld doesn’t go to war against us because you appoint yourself judge and jury and kill vampires at a place of peaceful socialisation.”  
  
“Again, should I have let them rape Jace? Because that’s what they-”  
  
“Jace knows the risks he exposes himself to by being reckless and fucking everything that moves indiscriminately!” Robert intervened. “We shouldn’t have to pay with our status and good name because your brother is a whore.”  
  
Alec saw red before his eyes and he felt his stutter coming back. He could take anything, but his parents calling Jace that word, especially undeserved, made him almost uncontrollably angry.  
  
He took a few breaths and remembered Jace’s words from years ago. He had told Alec that he was the Golden Child only as long as he didn’t do anything to threaten their position in the Clave. As soon as he would make even the smallest perceived wrong move, they’d wash their hands clean of him.  
  
“I get it. Well, there has to be a way to not start a war while also not letting my brother get raped or killed, regardless how you feel about him. And I’m going to find it.”  
  
“You are not going to find anything. I am going to fix your gross mistake, while you will go and apologise in person to Camille Belcourt and accept whatever punishment she deems fitting.” Maryse said. “Then, assuming you’re still alive, you will write a letter to the Clave to take full responsibility for this monumental fuck-up. Have I made myself clear?”  
  
“Crystal.”  
  
“Dismissed.”  
  
Alec felt that horrible emptiness that sometimes took him over burst into him as he left his office. It was a cursed state, which he hated, because it weighed so heavily on him and brought all the defeating thoughts to the foreground of his mind. It reminded him how his best would never be enough and how everyone else was stuck fixing his mistakes. How he did not deserve any of the nice things he had in his life. He didn’t deserve his awesome sister or his cute little brother; he didn’t deserve to walk with his head held high and call himself a leader; and he definitely didn’t deserve to have a parabatai, much less one as good as Jace.  
  
His feet took him to the gym, where he undressed quickly and started to hit the punching bag in the corner until his hands were bloody and the skin tore open, exposing the tendons and the bones. It was all he could do to appease the voice inside him saying he had to pay for being such a burden on every other person in his life. 

“You’re doing the thing again. Alec,” Jace said, coming up next to him and stepping in the narrow space between Alec and the boxing bag. “Don’t do the thing.”  
  
“Jace, I can’t… please leave me to it.” Alec said. He needed to feel like the toll was paid and like he could carry on living his miserable life.  
  
“I know why you do it.” Jace said, catching Alec’s hands in his own.  
  
Alec tried to wrench himself free, pain and adrenaline wreaking havoc through him. It would take a while until the chemicals in his blood would settle and he would feel normal.  
  
But Jace had a steel grip on Alec’s hands and he didn’t budge. Alec was trapped at Jace’s mercy, and he calmed down at once. He didn’t like punishing himself, but someone had to do it. Maybe Jace would make him see the extent of his fuck-ups and know the right amount of pain he had to endure to make it right.  
  
Instead, to his utter shock, Jace kissed his bloodied knuckles. First on one hand, then on the other.  
  
“Tell me, Alec,” he asked softly, so that only Alec could hear. “Do you think I should be punished for going out and partying without care, getting myself and you in trouble?”  
  
“N-no! It’s your right to party. Fuck those vampires for coming after you.”  
  
“Do you think you should have let them rape me, steal my blood, maybe even kill me?” He carried on. “At least we would have had peace with the vampires.”  
  
“No! Jace, never! I’d never let anything bad happen to you if I can help it.” Alec said, feeling tears threaten to spill.  
  
“You did so well, Alec. You saved me, and you killed those vampires who drugged me and who bit the mundanes. They were the ones who broke the Accords, not you.”  
  
“I did?” Alec asked. “But I upset our mother.”  
  
“No matter what you choose to do, it will upset her. I promise you. She will always say you did wrong, and our father will back her up.”  
  
“I can’t… Jace, I don’t know what to do anymore! I want to be a good leader, and a good son, and to do what’s right!” Alec said, feeling the tears finally spill down his cheeks. 

“And you did all that,” Jace said, stepping closer, right in Alec’s personal space. “Do you think you should be punished for doing what’s right? For being a good son?”  
  
“But… then why do I feel…”  
  
Jace’s hands let go of Alec’s wrists and his arms went around Alec, guiding him into a hug, with his head on Jace’s shoulder. Jace had to stand on his tippy toes for that, but he definitely didn’t mind.  
  
“That voice in your head, telling you you need to pay for making mistakes, it’s our mother’s voice, isn’t it?”  
  
“Yes! How did you know?”  
  
“Our inner voice is always how we were spoken to as children, by our parents. But she’s not right. She doesn’t know better. She’s afraid of losing control. Alec, you’re a good man, and a good leader. It’s alright to question her and say, ‘I think I did the right thing’ or ‘I may have made a mistake, but if I’m hurting, I can’t fix it!’.”  
  
“Sometimes I can’t tell the voice off… and it feels good after.”  
  
“I know. I want you to come to me and talk to me about what you think you did wrong, in the future. Promise?”  
  
“I promise.” Alec said, his voice muffled from where his face was hidden in Jace’s shoulder.  
  
“And if I’m not around, I want you to promise me to make yourself a cup of tea, write down what you need to talk about, so you don’t forget before I return. And then we can talk.”  
  
Jace took out his stele, moving away from Alec only enough to trace his iratze and draw a new one, until the skin and flesh on Alec’s hands mended itself.  
  
Alec was swimming in endorphins. He wasn’t used to getting so much love at once. The way Jace spoke to him, patiently and softly, his gentle words that taught him how to think better thoughts, and the fact Jace gave him permission to forgive himself and be fair with himself without deferring to his mother’s harsh judgments every time… it was all so overwhelming, but in a good way.  
  
And then Jace kissed his tears away.  
  
Alec blinked in shock at the continued tenderness, moving further away to look at Jace with adoration. He may not deserve his parabatai, but he was grateful to have him.  
  
Then his eyes were drawn to the traces of his blood from earlier, on Jace’s lips. He felt silly for having done that to himself, but seeing his own blood on Jace’s lips also made him accept the truth of everything his parabatai had said. Jace loved him. Jace wanted to keep him safe from harm, and that thought alone was enough to make his head swim in a sea of happiness which spread all over his body, more healing and more powerful than any iratze.  
  
Then Jace licked his lips clean, his eyes never leaving Alec’s.  
  
Alec felt himself combust with arousal, and he realised with horror Jace not only knew now, beyond a doubt, but could feel it too. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec carries out Maryse's mission for him, to his great benefit.

“You’re not going to the Hotel DuMort alone,” Jace decreed.  
  
“I have to, our mother said so.”  
  
“She said you have to apologise personally, not that you have to go there alone. There’s some leeway. I know Camille. Do you feel like becoming a vampire? Or a corpse? No? Then you won’t go alone.”  
  
“This is my mess. _I_ need to fix it, Jace.”  
  
Jace narrowed his eyes. He didn’t like fighting dirty with Alec, but sometimes…  
  
“Oh don’t be selfish, Alec. You’re the most important person in the world to me. My parabatai. If anything were to happen to you, I’d feel it too. Let me come along, as an observer. To make sure no further Accords provisions are being infringed upon.”  
  
“... you really love twisting my arm behind my back, don’t you?” Alec sighed. “Fine. Let’s go. But on one condition.” When Jace looked at him with a raised eyebrow, he added: “you’ll see.”  
  
***  
  
Jace unnervingly seems to know the ropes and to have been everywhere before. Alec wonders if Jace really is that cocky or if he is simply better at socialising.  
  
Jace knows the vampires who meet them at the gate by name.  
  
And he knows Camille too, perhaps too well, Alec thinks, feeling discomfort rise in him. That Jace likes to own every place he walks into is one thing - but Camille acts as though Alec is a delivery guy and brought her a hot, juicy order of fresh Jace.  
  
“Let me guess. Your mommy sent you to cry in front of me so that I may consider forgiving you for killing three of my close acolytes?” Camille finally deigns to look at Alec… 

… while slipping Jace’s leather jacket down his shoulders and off.  
  
They had to leave their weapons at the door, which Alec views as a bad decision. He’s never met a vampire with integrity. Apparently one symptom of being undead is having a huge God complex and thinking one is above all judgment and control. If they are to escape here with their lives and freedom, it will be a matter of dipping their tongues in silver before speaking. 

“Hands off my parabatai, please.” Alec says, looking unimpressed.  
  
No way is Camille or any other vampire there getting away with even a droplet of Jace’s blood, Alec promises himself that.  
  
“You don’t call the shots here, _Alex_ .” Camille says, her back purposefully to Alec. She knows his name alright, but she gets off on humiliating him. “Let’s see you grovel.”  
  
“I’m not sorry I killed those assholes, Camille.” Alec says calmly. “They were going to rape Jace and leave him for dead in the back alley of the club. I’m glad I could end their sorry lives. In fact, I enjoyed it.”  
  
“Oh, is that so? Little kitten has claws.” Camille turns to look at Alec, going behind Jace and running a long nail down the side of Jace’s neck. “As apologies go, you’re far from a passing grade.” 

“I didn’t come here to apologise.” Alec continues. “I came here to tell you I think you’re an entitled cunt who is running out of friends and allies and who will soon book a one way ticket to a sunny resort, courtesy of the Clave.”  
  
Camille’s mouth forms a comical “O” shape and Alec can see how poorly applied her lipstick is.  
  
“Boys, teach him a lesson.” She tells the four vampires who are watching over the exchange as Camille’s guards.  
  
The four vampires all swarm Alec, biting him at the same time.  
  
Jace screams and tries to free himself from Camille’s grip.  
  
“No no no, angel cakes, you need to see what happens to naughty Shadowhunters… or rather, be the snack while I watch what befalls your cheeky parabatai.” Camille whispers in Jace’s ear.  
  
But no sooner do the vampires bite Alec, that they start to blacken and crackle, like old ceramic vases that need a new glaze. Their screams of pain are blood-curdling and loud, the supernatural pitch calling the entire clan to see what is happening.  
  
“I asked you nicely to unhand my parabatai. This just proves you are what I said before.” Alec says, inwardly screaming in triumph. 

  
Jace watches him with a strange expression on his face, like he is seeing him for the first time. And Jace’s side of the bond gives off joy in waves that lap at Alec like clear water ripples on a sunny day.  
  
“Good thing you are all gathered here,” Alec says, turning to the other vampires. “Camille has told you the Clave and the Shadowhunters are making your lives hard by hunting you down and policing your every move, when in fact, she has been scapegoating us for her unjust rule. The Shadow World is full of different creatures that can coexist, only Camille’s greed has no room for others to thrive beside her. She has encouraged you to harm mundanes and anyone you see fit, so you can be punished by the Clave. Meanwhile, she keeps countless dens of acolytes and subjugates all over the city, siring unstable and miserable new vampires that either step into the sunlight as soon as they emerge from their graves or go on murderous rampages and get themselves killed during arrest.”  
  
“What would you have us do?” One of the vampires, Valeri, asks. He is one of those at the entrance who knew Jace by name. “Camille is our leader.”  
  
“Leaders make mistakes all the time. Perhaps it’s time for early elections in your clan. There’s only one of her and lots of you. The Accords aren’t unjust. Respect the law, and you’ll have peace. But Camille will never give you peace. She likes to stir the shit.”  
  
Jace nearly huffs out a laugh, but catches himself in time.

“Hold on a second, you believe this snot-nosed Shadowhunter? Who called me a cunt in my own home?” Camille says.  
  
Alec dusts off some vampire remains from his bomber jacket.  
  
“Look, these used to be your friends… now they are just stains on my designer jacket, because Camille broke the Accords again, telling them to kill me, an unarmed guest. Although I did warn her it would not go well. All because she has an unhealthy obsession with my parabatai.”  
  
Camille releases Jace and pushes him towards Alec.  
  
“I don’t want him! He is but a toy to me, like all you insignificant mortals. I’d gorge myself on the blood of every Shadowhunter in New York if I hadn’t promised Magnus to be good. But promises have an expiry date.”  
  
“That’s enough, Camille.” Valeri said, and he and a few others grab Camille and put a pair of magic handcuffs on her. “Show yourselves out, Shadowhunters. We do not want a war with the Clave. Later, we will announce a new leader.”  
  
***  
  
Alec is still trembling when he and Jace exit the Hotel DuMort.  
  
Normally, he doesn’t mind being meek and standing in a corner, away from the spotlight, but back in there, when he realised that Jace was in danger, it was like someone else took over his body. Someone confident and in charge, who knew what buttons to push to defuse a very volatile situation.  
  
And he still can’t believe he, Alec Lightwood, called the leader of the vampires an entitled cunt.  
  
Next to him, Jace’s energy feels like a hyperactive toddler popping bubble wrap. Alec doesn’t know where he has that tormenting reference from, but Jace really feels about to burst.  
  
Instead, Jace takes Alec’s closest hand in his.  
  
“Alec, you were amazing in there! I’m… no words!”  
  
“I was scared, Jace. I was trembling, I still am.” Alec admits.  
  
“I could feel it, Alec, but still, you were so calm and in control outwardly. There aren’t many people who dare stand up to Camille Belcourt, because very few, actually, only one besides you has survived.”  
  
“Jace, I didn’t do it to prove a point. I did it because I was scared she would bite you. We don’t know what angel blood does to a vampire. What if she gained extra powers that allowed her to wreak even more havoc? And besides, I didn’t want any harm to come to you.”  
  
“Alec, you should mark this day in your memory somehow. And every time Maryse gives you one of her demotivational speeches, think of this day. When you acted brave in spite of being afraid, when you were a leader who defused a conflict and avoided a war. And when you were hot as hell. The holy water injections were a genius touch.” Jace says passionately, pushing Alec against a wall in the alley they are currently walking. Not aggressively, though.  
  
Alec is still surprised with how excited Jace is for him. He will lie awake tonight and ruminate the events at the vampire hotel, but right now he is more interested in the extra glow around Jace, who is irresistible on a regular day, but now, with his getting so excited and cheering for Alec, he looks like the most sparkling angel Alec has ever imagined.  
  
Jace’s hand is behind Alec’s head, not letting it slam against the wall, while his other hand rests, warm and solid on Alec’s shoulder, near his neck, the thumb stroking the collarbone slowly.  
  
“Alec, I wish you would see, you are everything. I do. And I’ll remind you as many times as you need.” Jace says, his lips tightening briefly on Alec’s jaw, then caressing a trail to Alec’s lips, which they brush against with the faintest pressure.  
  
Jace sighs and nudges Alec’s nose with his.  
  
“I keep telling myself no, but everything else is yelling yes. Alec, I can’t watch anymore. I’m in love with you. Have been for a while now.”  
  
Alec squeezes his eyes shut for a second. Takes a deep breath - which does little to calm him.  
  
“I am begging you, Jace. Don’t play with me.” He whispers. "I can take anything but that." 

Jace swallows hard at the pain in Alec's voice. He knows his parabatai speaks the truth, but so does he. What would make Alec think Jace is playing with him? But, instead of being hurt by the suggestion he might be fickle, he thinks of how many times Alec was found lacking, despite giving and doing his best. Alec is just trying to make sure this one good thing in his life, the best thing in his life, is not taken from him when he is enjoying it the most. 

"I'd never play, Alec. Not with you. You're the one I share a soul with. You're precious to me." Jace says, his voice low and his tone serious. "I even researched the parabatai curse. There isn't one. Ithuriel told the Iron Sisters this much, and the Clave told them to keep it a secret. Because the Clave wants babies from Shadowhunters. But that doesn't matter. All I want is to be with you and be yours."

Alec leans down and tentatively kisses Jace. It's a bit clumsy and hesitant, but Jace welcomes it nonetheless. 

"Let's report back to our parents and then go to bed early." Jace says, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. 

"Are you sure? We don't have to do stuff just because… you know. We are close like old lovers anyway." Alec smiles, allowing himself the intimacy of caressing Jace's hair and then kissing the crown of his head. 

"I know. But everything feels right if it's with you. Even snuggling in bed and reading comic books together." 

At the Institute, Maryse is quite shaken to see Alec return with a smile on his face and good news about there being no war, but a pending announcement for who the new vampire leader will be. 

Jace lets him deliver the good news alone. Alec deserves the satisfaction of seeing his mother forced to admit he did not good, but stellar, without her using Jace to minimize and dismiss Alec's accomplishments. 

When Alec finally goes to his room, he finds a very cute and snuggly Jace in his bed, wearing a small pair of blue shorts and mismatched socks and reading. 

He can't help but think this is destiny, pure and simple. As sure as rain follows after sun, Jace and him were surely brought together long before their bodies entered this world as two separate people. And that is something worth putting his fear aside for. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because they are now together and confessed their feelings doesn't mean Alec and Jace are done fighing for their love.

Alec doesn’t know how his life took such a drastic turn for the very best, but he knows it was likely not of his own doing, since things he decides to do usually fizzle out to less than acceptable results.   
  
But he’s living his teenage years all over again, a storm of happy chemicals sweeping across his body ever since Jace kissed him in that alley and he kissed Jace back. 

Nothing can reach him now. Not his mother foaming at the mouth about the Lightwood name and their status with the Clave. Not the increased demon activity and Valentine being back with his horrifying experiments and his plot to wipe out the entire Dowworld.   
  
How could he react, when his senses are saturated with Jace, Jace who loves him back, Jace who can’t wait for the night so he can slip under the covers right next to Alec? Everything he’s been wishing for and more is coming true around him and all he can do is hold on and enjoy the ride.   
  
But the things they’ve survived, separately and together, are still in the room with them, and inform the way their relationship progresses.   
  
It’s not the most functional thing, at least not from the start, because Jace wants to give everything right away, bulldozing his own needs and desires, not stopping to ask why that’s not a good idea.   
  
And, for all of Alec’s lack of practical experience, he’s been sitting with these feelings for much longer, he’s seen some of them through to their natural conclusion and he knows, at least theoretically, what irreversible feels like.   
  
He remembers that Jace did try sex and was underwhelmed because he wasn’t in love. And now that he is, he wants everything at once. And Alec would give it all to him in a heartbeat if he didn’t know how Jace crashes and burns through emotions, like a toddler going through his toy box in search of something a little bit exciting to play with. But Jace didn’t even have a toy box as a toddler, let alone someone to teach him how to feel without hurting himself every step along the way. And it’s not like their parents did a better job - in fact, Maryse is a big defender of the idea that feelings are a nuisance, except for the cases when they can be used to leverage something in your favour.   
  
And Alec has been right about something else.   
  
He and Jace are as intimate as people who have been lovers for a lifetime. Because growing up together, patching each other up after beatings and hunts, becoming parabatai, brought them to this point in their lives, where they are so tightly dependent on each other. Anyone else would take one look at them, label them codependent and toxic and move on.   
  
Jace seems to lack any emotional intelligence when it comes to himself. He is able to be there for Alec and guide him towards thinking better thoughts and feeling better feelings in the wake of their mother’s repeated humiliating and unjust judgments of Alec; he is very good at recognising what Alec feels and needs, but utterly shit at doing the same for himself.   
  
So Alec has to step in and tell him; show him.   
  
That a kiss feels good even when not followed by a bite. That there’s a lot of power in kneeling if it’s to get your lover to fall apart with your name on their lips. That blood is not a suitable substitute for lube and iratzes don’t mend scars on the heart.   
  
In the end, it all circles back to Jace’s falcon and Valentine’s cursed, twisted lesson. Jace doesn’t want to be domesticated; he doesn’t want the love and tenderness that are offered to him, because he knows one day, for one reason or another, they will be withdrawn from him or he will be made to pay dearly for having allowed himself to bask in the feeling of being held safely in another’s embrace. Or worse, that Alec will be stuck paying for Jace’s debauched indulging in love and its smaller, softer sister emotions.   
  
But one day, one day not long after that first kiss - Jace seeks the comfort of Alec’s arms after a terrible day. And no one, not Clary with her wild goose chases, nor the vampires with their new, sneakier ways to breach the Acords, nor Valentine with his betrayals and demonic experiments can shake the foundations of their home.   
  
Because this is what they are to each other, and Jace has learned to put Alec first, first even before his fears and his avoidance tactics, which disappear like shadows before dawn as soon as he talks them through with Alec. 

When Jace dies at the hands of the man who raised him, Alec thinks the pain is unbearable and that he will not survive it. But he does and he burns with the need to avenge the brightest, worthiest part of his soul.   
  
When Magnus offers to portal him to Lake Lyn, he doesn’t know what he is facilitating.   
  
Clary is knocked unconscious, Jace lies dead in the mud and in a pool of his own blood while Valentine is about to order Raziel to wipe out the entire Downworld for him.   
  
The madman doesn’t get to utter his wish, and his blood doesn’t spill in the waters of Lake Lyn.   
  
Alec’s blood rage made him more focused than he’s ever been. He shoots the arrow and, thanks to his speed rune, reaches Valentine almost at the same time, pulling the older Shadowhunter’s flailing body to dry ground.   
  
Even with the life draining from him, Valentine jabs at Alec’s family name, at his dignity, calls him a failure, a shame, a whore - why do older Shadowhunters love to throw that word around so much, Alec wonders.   
  
Valentine could have used the last moments of his life to ask for forgiveness, to beg for mercy or to explain himself - but he chooses to die a coward’s death as Alec stabs him through the heart with his Seraph dagger, to make sure the source of all of his and Jace’s problems is well and truly dead.   
  
He’s still kneeling over Valentine’s corpse when Raziel speaks to him, reminding him he has one wish.   
  
Alec doesn’t have to think or even spare another breath.   
  
With a clean arrow from his quiver, he opens a wound on his arm, watching his blood hit the water.   
  
“Bring him back. Bring my parabatai, my love back so that I can keep on living. Bring Jace back to life.”   
  
“It is done, young one. Care for him as best as you can and your love will see you through what lies ahead.” Raziel says, before vanishing in a blinding, expanding light.   
  
When Magnus and Isabelle reach the lake shore, and when Clary comes to, they see Jace and Alec, locked in a desperate embrace, mud and caked blood on both of them, streaky from the tears spilling on both their faces and mixing on their lips.   
  
Of the three, only one feels a sense of triumph, the other two mourning the loss of their hopes.   
  
***  
  
It’s the dead of night, but Alec and Jace are very much awake, lost in each other. They haven’t been able to part ever since they both went under the shower to rid Jace of the mud and blood from lake Lyn. As though they could wash the memory of him dying off his skin and from their souls.   
  
They are on one of the Institute’s wide terraces, on a marble bench, joined together for the seventh? Eighth? Alec lost count of how many times they’ve needed to reassure each other they are still them, their bond still intact and in place and their love is still sheltered from the oncoming storms.   
  
This time, it was Jace’s turn to teach Alec something essential - it’s alright to cling on to the good things in your life; it’s alright to refuse to bow your head as destiny robs you; it’s more than alright to not shrug your shoulders and move on, a ghost in your own story. 

Alec has seen his greatest fear play out before his very eyes - and both Jace and he survived it; moreover, they came out as victors at the other end. All those bottled emotions from his youth - the wrath, the anger when faced with unfairness, the vengeance - paid off in the best of ways, saving not only his soul and Jace’s, but the entire Downworld from annihilation. 

When Clary wanders over to the archway leading to the terrace, drawn by the sounds, she sees Jace splayed out on the marble bench, his skin sparkling and iridescent in the cold moonlight, like fluid opal. She can tell he is completely naked, although Alec is covering his lower body, sitting at one end of the bench between Jace’s spread legs, leaning over, his head of dark curls moving up and down in a motion Clary recognises all too well.   
  
As she turns on her heels and abandons all of her hopes with Jace, she finds she can’t fault the two parabatai for being so lost in each other. They seem to have taken the first rule of being mundane to heart and it is serving them well. A snack and maybe a nightcap are the only things on her mind as she leaves the lovers to their private moment. 

  
(The End)

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, comments and insights are always welcome and greatly appreciated! Thank you.


End file.
